Monday, August 17, 2020

Recipe for PJH’s Famous Hockey Goalie Beef Stew

 From the Stoop of PJH:


Republished on the blog by request is this post plucked from the deep, dark depths of the PJH blog vault. We also published this blog piece and a few other classic PJH blogs in the recent book of classic and essential PJH “stuff”, Greetings from 182 Belmont Avenue. The Essential Collection.


Recipe for PJH’s Famous Hockey Goalie Beef Stew


1.5 pounds of beef stew meat or more if you are really a beef person. I am not, so this was fine for just me to last for a few meals.

One large thingy of beef gravy. Sorry, I do not do sizes very well. I used the packet of gravy stuff in the wax paper container. Use more if you add more stuff.

One small pack of frozen mixed veggies. I used peas, green beans and carrots.

One small can (the smallest I could find) of diced tomatoes. Drain the water. Use just the tomatoes.

One small onion. I peeled that sucker then chopped the living hell out of it into little pieces and stunk up the joint. Chucked most of the onion away though. I did not cry. Goalies do not cry, except when we run out of Guinness or we lose a shutout in the last 2 seconds of a game. My fingers smelled like onion for a week. My laptop still smells like onion. And a shirt too. And a beer glass. And a knife and one of my canvas sneakers. I guess that I dropped some onion on my sneaker. And, the front of one pair of my underwear stinks like an onion. You can kinda figure that reason out. It still stinks, even after washing it seventeen times and dipping it once in kerosene.

Three red potatoes. I soaked them in cold water and then quartered those puppies.

One tablespoon of sugar.

I waved some salt over the crock pot thingy. Cannot tell you how much I put in.

Two tablespoons of original brown sauce from England. You need the kind that has a picture of Big Ben on the label. It is difficult to find but you can find it in a British grocery store. Or on the big shopping store on the internet. Or somewhere. I found it and you can too. Don’t skip this or substitute the product. It is a vital key to the recipe. I think.

Two ounces of Guinness Stout. Drink the rest or call a nearby hockey goalie if you do not like it. Warning: Never, ever, ever, pour Guinness down a drain. The ghosts of a bijillion Guinness drinkers will haunt you for the rest of your life. 

Chuck it all in the crock pot, set on high and stir the hell out of it. Cook on high for six, long-ass, boring hours.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

Walk around the Writing Command Center with your hands on your hips, because you are stuck on a storyline. Be sure to act very dramatic, even if you are completely alone and no one will see you or know about this weird-ass behavior. Do this because that is what they say all the great writers do when they are stuck on a storyline.

Have a shot of Jameson Irish whiskey.

Go pee.

Stir the hell out of the mixture in the crock pot.

Check for quantities of stomach settling seltzer because you might need it.

Check that you have the number for local poison control handy. It is best to prepare ahead of time.

Program that same emergency number in a cell phone, so it only takes a press of the button to call, just in case you are hanging upside down by your ankles, while turning somersaults over your toilet bowl after you eat this mess.

Call Mum and warn her that you made your own stew. No sense scaring her later on with a call from the local emergency room.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

After six hours, open the lid, take some corn starch and mix it in a glass of cold water. About two tablespoons. I think. Chuck that in the crock pot mixture and stir the hell out of it.  Mum told me to do this so the gravy gets thick.

Wave some black pepper over the mixture. I have no idea how much I used. By now, the Guinness intake has skewed my measuring skills.

Set the crock pot thingy temperature to low.

Wait three more, boring-ass hours.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

Go pee.

Have another shot of Jameson Irish whiskey.

Stir the hell out of the mixture in the crock pot.

Check your life insurance policy.

After three hours on low, stir the hell out of the mixture and dish it in a bowl.

Be careful, there are volcanoes that are cooler in temperature.

Pray to Jesus and all the Major Prophets.

Light seventeen candles of prayer and in humble repentance for creating such a wretched mixture.

Double-check the status of the emergency number.

Try it! Come on be brave, after all, YOU ARE A HOCKEY GOALIE!!!!

Do a happy dance that it actually tastes good. Freeze the leftovers.

If it sucks, dump it in a wastebasket, put your trusty goalie mask on over your face, sneak into your neighbor’s trash and dump it in theirs. That way, no one can trace the mess to you.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

Go write stories and drink more Guinness.

Go pee.

Thank God for creating Pubs.

Cheerio for now!



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